


Writers Do Ship

by casstayinmyass



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Bob hates Kripke for some reason, Explicit Ben Edlund, F/M, Kripke is God, M/M, Sassy Robbie Thompson, Shipping, Shipping War, otp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-20 20:21:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4800974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casstayinmyass/pseuds/casstayinmyass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eight writers for Supernatural congregate in the writer's room to plan and create season 11... and it turns into a shipping bloodbath.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Writers Do Ship

**Author's Note:**

> This mindless crack blossomed from a fb prompt, where the only reason destiel isn't canon yet is because all the writers have different otps. 
> 
> Lol I don't claim to know how the writers really act, and I know they wouldn't write stuff like this haha. This is just fun.

"Okay. Is everyone settled in?" Robert Singer asked, clasping his hands together on the table. Eight writers had gathered to discuss season 11, to talk about the script.

"Where's Kripke?" Adam Glass asked, and Ben Edlund waved his hand.

"He doesn't show up to anything."

"He left the show a while ago... did we even invite him?" Jeremy Carver, who was dressed in a T-shirt that said " _Have Booty Will Travel_ ", asked, and Bob opened his mouth to say something.

"HEY, GUYS!" The door suddenly flew open to reveal Eric Kripke. "Yeah, so could we, uh, make this quick?" he asked, pulling up a chair and sticking his feet up onto the table, "I'm, uh... in the middle of working on Octocobra- you know how it is..."

There were murmurs and nods all over the room, and Bob got everyone's attention again, not before rolling his eyes.

"Alright, now that Kripke decided to drop in-"

"I was fashionably late. And yes, I was invited, Jeremy, you wanna see the email?"

"How did you know I said that?" Jeremy mumbled.

"EVERYONE," Bob hemmed, "Let's talk season 11."

"Man, it's great we've made it this far," Robbie grinned, "With all this UST, I'm surprised fans are still-"

"Alright, thank you Rob," Bob said quickly.

"They should have some romance this season, don't you think?" John Shiban asked, "I mean, it's been a while for all of 'em."

"Well," Bob said nervously, "There aren't really any recurring women right now that they can have relations with..."

 "So?" Ben shrugged, and Bob tapped his finger on the table.

"What are you insinuating, Ben?" Ben sat forward.

"I say we finally give fans the Dean and Castiel romance, amiright?"

"Yeah, man!" Robbie smiled, slapping him a high five.

"Well, I feel like that would be pretty unbelievable after season 10," Jeremy said, "I like the Dean/Castiel thing, sure, I mean I _wrote_ Free To Be You And Me," he snorted, "but I think it would make more sense with Sastiel this season."

"Sam and Cas?" Adam asked, frowning, "No, no! It should be Sam and Gabriel!"

"We should be focusing on reality here," Bob said, "We should bring Lisa back, so that Dean can have an actual love interest again."

"Excuse me?" Robbie asked, "Bring her back, sure. You wanna answer the hate mail?"  Adam shrugged.

"Lisa was alright, but she had her memory wiped... it would take too long to develop the relationship again. Andrew, what do you think?" Andrew Dabb pushed up his glasses, his stare bored and his voice monotone.

"They could be asexual for all I care, my contract's up this year. Besides, I'm too busy still sifting through Bob's flame mail after Charlie."

Adam turned back around.

"I think we should return to the bond that started it all- Sam and Dean's erotic codependency."

"Wincest?!!" Robbie spat.

"No way!! Out of the question!!" Bob exclaimed.

"Destiel forever!" Ben cried, and Jeremy glanced over his glasses.

"Sastiel."

"Sabriel!"

"Wincest!!"

"Kripke, what's your input on this?"

"It's a _secret_."

"For god's sake," Bob sighed, throwing up his arms, and Robbie cut in.

"Let's all just write a first draft of how we want the first scene to go, okay?" he suggested, "Ben, wanna collaborate?"

"Hells yeah!" he said, and they went off to the corner of the room.

Jeremy, Adam, Kripke, John, and Bob all went off to different parts of the room as well, huddling over their computers. Soon, they had all produced first drafts.

"Alright, John, let's read yours first."

"Why does John get his first-?"

"Shut up, Carver. John? Care to enlighten us on how you want our two beloved brothers to make incest legal on network television?"

"My pleasure, Bob,"  John said, blatantly ignoring Bob's sarcasm.

_Sam opened his eyes as the noise around him died down. The darkness had just been released..._

_"Dean," he said softly, "are we-" "_

_Still alive?" Dean huffed, "Yeah. Last I checked." Sam paused._

_"What are we gonna do?"_

_"No idea."_

_Dean looked to the side, where his brother was sitting and grimacing. "Sammy... you're bleeding."_

_"It's fine, Dean," Sam shook his head, "We should be focusing on you... you just got the mark off!"_

_"Sam..." Dean whispered huskily, "Let me fix it..."_

_"Dean, we can just let Cas patch me up."_

_"Screw Cas!" Dean said suddenly._

_"Wha-?"_

_Sam was cut off by the feeling of his brother's lips on his neck, soft and inviting. Sam crooned softly as he leaned into it, knowing in his head it was wrong but in his heart it was right, and soon, he gave in to his desires and kissed back._

_"We'll get through this together," Dean promised, squeezing Sam's hand, and Sam smiled back, forgetting-_

"ALRIGHT, ENOUGH!" Bob sputtered, "What the hell was that?!"

"What the show has ultimately led up to," John replied calmly.

"The hell it is!" Bob exclaimed, "The day I let Sam and Dean Winchester kiss on screen is the day I go insane! Carver, when that day comes, haul me off to an asylum, will you?"

"Yes sir," Jeremy nodded quickly.

"Well, I hate to agree with Bob and I certainly don't want to discourage creative differences, but I didn't really like the screw Cas part at all," Adam admitted.

"Yeah!" Ben said angrily, "You can't just go dissing a beautiful character to further your ship!"

"Oh yeah?" John asked tauntingly, "Come at me, Ben!"

"Oh, it's on, Shiban!"

"Guys," Jeremy hushed, "My turn. Sastiel will blow all of you out of the water." That caused anothed uproar, but they were silenced when Kripke held a single hand up.

"Shut up, everyone," he said, and everyone did.

"Ahem," Jeremy started.

_Sam sat alone in the bunker. It had been hours since the darkness had escaped, and Dean had disappeared from the car when it had washed over them. He was worried sick... but worried even sicker about a certain angel he hadn't heard from as well._

_"Castiel?" He asked, "Can you hear me? I know you usually come for Dean, but... this time he's gone. The darkness took him. I need your help to find him."_

_Just then, a flutter sounded, and Sam turned to see Cas standing behind him. "Cas!" He smiled, and hugged him._

_"Sam..." Cas said, slowly melting into the hug, "I heard your prayer, and came to make sure you were alright." "_

_Dean's missing-"_

_"This isn't about Dean right now," Cas mumbled in a low voice, "This is about you." Sam's breath caught as the angel trailed his fingers lower down Sam's back in an attempt to relax him, which ended up doing the exact opposite. Cas began to-_

"I can't listen to this shit anymore," Robbie scowled, and Jeremy raised his eyebrows.

"Excuse me, Rob?"

"You heard me. Stop trying to make Sastiel a thing, Jeremy, it will never be a thing!"

"Mean Girls quote, huh?" Adam asked, "Really reflects in your personality."

"You would know!"

"Alright, listen up," Bob said, "I'm reading mine. It's better than all of yours!"

"But you haven't heard all of ours yet..."

"Doesn't matter."

He took out his sheet.

_As Dean closed his eyes, he saw all those people he had missed over the years... his father, his mother, and... Lisa?_

_He gaped. "Lisa?"_

_Of course, she was a woman... because Dean only had feelings for and was sexually attracted to women. Not men. Or both. She was not even secretly a man. She was A WOMAN._

"Get on with it, Bob," Ben scowled, and Bob huffingly continued.

_"Dean," she said, "What am I doing here?"_

_"I... I think we're in a dream." He assumed that was the only way it could be real... since she had been wiped of all memories of him. She nodded, and reached forward._

_"I've missed you."_

_Dean smiled sadly, and leaned in. "You have no idea how much I miss you, Lisa," he replied, and stole her lips in a kiss. Then the darkness around them cleared, and Dean opened his eyes, finding himself outside, his brother still passed out in the car and... Lisa was still there. So it was real... she was really here._

_Dean noticed she looked sad. "What is it?"_

_"A lot has changed, Dean. Ben was... killed. By an angel."_

_"An angel?!" Dean asked angrily, "Which one?"_

_"He wore a trenchcoat."_

"HOLD THE FUCK ON!" Ben shouted, "No fucking way! You've gotten away with too much of this Cas-trashing bullshit, Singer!"

"And he would've gotten away with it again, if it weren't for you meddling kids," Eric mumbled with a slight smile, and Bob shouted, "Shut your face, Kripke!"

"Stop making Cas a bad guy just so it'll break him and Dean apart!" Robbie said, rubbing his temples, "True love will always find a way!"

"Yeah, translation: their profound bond will find a way around your sick shit!" Ben added.

"Nothing's as profound now as Sam and Cas seeking solace in each other during rough times," Jeremy said, and Robbie turned incredulously.

"You wanna fucking go, Carver? Have you not watched the show AT ALL?"

" _I_ have," Adam said, "but I suggest _you_ should so you can at least see how Dean sees Cas as only a brother."

"OHHH HELL NO!" Ben cried, and half the room grimaced as he attempted to strangle Adam.

"You think your ship is so much better?" He shouted, "Give it to me straight, doctor, _I can take it_!"

"Fine, I will," Adam snorted, bitch slapping him out of his face, and began to share his script draft.

_"Dean?" Sam asked, looking around. His brother was gone, leaving the driver's seat empty. The last thing he remembered was the darkness surrounding the Impala... he must have been out for a while._

_"Nope. Sexier," came a voice, and Sam whipped around on every direction, trying to put a face to the words._

_"Who's there?" He yelled, worried it was a demon. "Show yourself!"_

_"Well... okay, but it'll be the shock of your life, Samsquatch."_

_Then Gabriel appeared in the backseat, and Sam gasped. "Gabe! ...Riel, Gabriel!" He exclaimed, "How the hell...?" "_

_Don't bother asking how it was done," Gabe yawned, "The point is, something in this... spooky darkness brought me back. Guess you could call it a blessing in disguise."_

_"Blessing?" Sam scoffed, "I wouldn't go that far."_

_"No?" Gabriel asked playfully, "That wasn't just excitement I saw written all over your face there?" Sam sighed._

_"Can you help me find my brother?"_

_Gabriel balked. "_ _I just came back from the dead, and you're asking me to zip zap Dean-o back over here? Sorry, pal. Uh uh. That's like asking a five year old to end world hunger." Sam rolled his eyes._

_"Why are you even here, then? Specifically with me?"_

_"_ _I don't know," Gabriel shrugged, "Maybe we're just drawn to each other." Sam looked at him, and Gabriel suddenly appeared right next to hin._

_"That's probably what it is... I've been resurrected to watch over you..."_

_Sam couldn't help it- he leaned forward and cupped the delicious archangel's cheeks and pulled him in for a kiss. "Sam-" Gabriel gasped in surprise-_

Adam stopped reading as Jeremy's laughter got louder. "Delicious archangel," he laughed, so hard tears were rolling down his cheeks. "What is that even supposed to mean?"

Adam went red. "Gabriel always eats candy, so I thought it was a clever way to describe him! Wasn't it clever?!"

Jeremy laughed more, wiping his eyes. "Oh yeah, very clever- ISH!" He chortled, and Bob rolled his eyes. Jeremy loved adding that word, ish.

"Alright, let's calm down," Bob said, and Adam turned to him.

"You have no right to tell US to calm down!"

"Yeah!" John added, "You've been just as vocal as the rest of us!"

"I believe it's our turn," Robbie said, adjusting cuffs that he didn't have classily as Ben smoothed back his shaggy hair.

"Prepare to be stricken with awesomeness."

"And truth," Robbie added.

Ben turned to him. "That was deep. Real deep man," he said, shaking his head as they fist pounded.

"Okay- here it is:"

_Dean groaned. The Impala had flipped in the force of the big black cloud that had swept over them, and his head ached like a bitch._

_"Sammy?" He croaked out. He found Sam bloody beside him, but moving a little. Good. He was at least alive. He knew what he needed to do. Dean got out carefully, pulling himself out and standing up with a limp... but all he could think of was blue eyes he had hurt not days before._

_"Cas?!" He called to the open, dark sky, "You, uh..." he chuckled, "Got your ears on?" He remembered when he used to say that... back in the good old days. "Cas, man, you listenin'?" He called, a little louder. "I need you to help me. I screwed up... yeah, big surprise... but it's real bad this time, I know it."_

_Just then, in a flutter of wings, Cas appeared. "Dean," he muttered, coming over, "You're hurt..."_

_"I'm fine, Cas," Dean murmured softly, but he longed for the angel's touch on his face... on his body._

_"Let me heal you, Dean," Cas said, and reached forward, Dean revelling in the warmth spreading through him. When he opened his eyes, his face was clean again, and Cas was smiling slightly._

_"What is it?" Dean asked, breathless._

_"I felt your essence... you're back just the way you should be." Dean stared at the angel for a few seconds, and put a hand on his shoulder._

_"Cas, I just-"_

_"I know, Dean," Cas said gently, gazing into his eyes. Dean smiled back, and the two hesitantly leaned forward, lips almost brushing._

_"I've waited so long for this," Dean whispered, and Cas initiated the kiss, placing a tender hand over Dean's shoulder where his hand print used to be._

_"We'll fight this together Dean," Cas said, "As we always have."_

_"_ _Yeah..." Dean said, taking his hand, "I love-"_

"GOD, I think I just puked in my mouth!" John said, and even Andrew smirked a little, commenting, "Look, like I said, I don't care... but that was a little over the top."

"It was a masterpiece, you don't know what you're talking about!" Robbie shouted, and Ben glared at them all.

"Destiel WILL become canon!"

"'Canon'?" Bob asked, frowning, "Whatever that means. Okay, look. That was pure 'fan fiction'," he used air quotes, "all of it, and I won't tolerate it. Imagine what Jared and Jensen would think of this? They'd think we're all on acid."

"Maybe we are," Eric mumbled.

"What about Misha?" Robbie asked defiantly.

"Yeah!"

"Yeah!!"

Bob sighed. "He doesn't-"

"Oh, you're just afraid he'll support it!" Ben crowed, "Because he _will!_ "

Bob gritted his teeth. "You know what? We haven't heard from Kripke yet, have we?" He turned. "Care to enlighten us, so you can get back to Octocobra?" he seethed.

Eric cleared his throat nonchalantly, as if a full on shipping war hadn't just gone on. "Why thank you, Bob- yeah, sure. Here goes:"

_Dean sat down at the table, taking out a knife. He smelled the delicious scent wafting up to his nose already, taking over his senses in orgasmic sweetness, making him think only filthy things. He moaned as he cut a slice of the cherry pie, watching the thick red fruit inside spill out onto the perfect crust..._

_Beside him sat Sam, who was lovingly stroking his piece of beautiful technology. It had gotten him through countless mishaps, and he loved it with all his heart. He brought the laptop up to his lips, fondling it and kissing the keys in gentle reverie, for never before had something showed such raw dedication to helping with his hunting and research- it was beyond arousing to think of._

_On the couch behind the two brothers, Castiel lay, giggling as six Guinea pigs climbed all over him, nipping at him and sitting on him. Cas continued to laugh, petting them and smiling. This was true heaven for him... the soft, playful touch of the tiny creatures, who were incapable of anything but love. Cas could see their pure souls, and loved them for it._

_Meanwhile, at the table, Dean had begun massaging handfuls of pie onto his chest, licking-_

"KRIPKE!"

Eric paused, looking up expectantly.

"What the fuck is this, Kripke?!" Bob asked, and Kripke shrugged.

"These are the characters I wrote. Don't like it, don't ask for my brilliant, flawless scripts."

And with that, the mic was dropped and Eric Kripke walked out of the writer's room. There was silence, and Bob was red in the face.

He finally tore up everyone's scripts, lighting them on fire and tossing them away into oblivion, amongst the many homosuggestive scenes that had been scrapped in that very writer's room, never to surface beyond the blu-ray. Adam facepalmed.

"Well," Robbie sighed, resting his chin on his fist as he gazed up at the big 'You're Watching Supernatural' poster they had in the office, "Back to our regularly scheduled queerbaiting."

THE END!


End file.
